I was thinking about my first loves.

I can’t seem to find mine.

I think it’s because i woke up on the wrong side of my pillow

The wrong side of cold sheets and damp towels

The side of my brain that’s still looking for their sense of balance

But then i felt a jump of laughter that connected with anothers

Now my brain found its match, right?

Going to lunch brews a mug of hugs and whisper my wonderings into your ear

I felt my palms get sweaty and shaky, this is how it’s supposed to feel right?

I am second guessing my second guesses 

And tapping my swatches and licking the floor and cleaning my mirrors

But FUCK MY FACE IS MELTing into icecream

*slushy sounds*

My minds swirling around 

My heart’s wide open CUT ME OPEN hahahah

Tappity tappity tappity tap tap tap tap .. .. .. 

Giggle giggle giggle 

Sound sound sound

I’m losing my mind a little bit

But i think you are kind so sweet

Switty do da peeling an orange

I know you feel it too 

they just called my name right after yours

That has to be a sign, right?

Oh no, i said the wrong thing now, didn’t i?

FUCK MY FACE IS MELTINGGGG

Oh nevermind,

Good nights goodbye! 

To my second hand lovers

An audio narrative

Talking overlapped with typing with the sound of a “click” 

So yeah… sometimes I wonder about you

Or the version of you I knew, frozen from the last time we spoke

It’s not like i remember your middle name

Or was attached to the way you held me

It was the perfect value of not knowing you enough, 

so I built this thornful garden of lust for you.

Years later I found out that love lingers and stays

Even after you leave,

Even if we never speak 

Because sometimes I still feel like i’m in love with you

Like i have to remember i am not supposed to love you,

that it’s wrong to love you

In moments like this, where I am sitting in a pit of lust, the kind that melts onto your skin

That follows you in a passing thought on the dance floor, or a drifted scent.

I mean, I literally passed by someone with your cologne and collapsed. 

Sometimes our memories together flood me all at once and I have to be by myself

Or order your favorite meal on the menu when i’m out alone

You never would really say if you liked me but you kissed me every time you were hurt

We were completely indulged into one another, we were one.

Now you live amongst the silence of the second hand lovers i never texted back

Isn’t that fucked up? Second hand lovers.. 

Like we somehow needed to use each other to the narrow to find the people we actually love

thoughts by meadow soleil “jay” cloud

I manage other artists with the click of a button. I help find gigs for my friends, I form events for them and I sit in solitude in the background- grateful for the experience of bringing folks together. However, it is during these cycles I found myself wanting to be a part of the experience and bring forward my perspective and experience in holding space for people. I want to start managing (?) myself. Managing.. I use this term loosely because I am not tied to the structures of capitalism that tangle me in art for money.  I realized I need others to fund my work.

I think the way I want to approach my art-making career is by harvesting multiple projects. Create a schedule- you (cloud) know best what makes you feel like you can create and explore. Stop coming at it from a place of instant productivity and success. Things take time,, so gift yourself that. Let’s try something - make a cute little spread sheet,, take your time to decorate it with colors and stickers. Give yourself an hour to do this, physically I think would be better than digital. Make different categories: textile work, clothing design, makeup goals, performance needs and music. Then make another category with dates and times of the day (start with morning, evening and night). After you are done decorating and admiring the spreadsheet, fill it in! Don’t use it as a mind dump space as you usually do, take your time. 

What do you really want to make right now? How do you want to make it? How do you want to share it (if you want to, find balance between the two)? What space does this work live in: can you make that a reality? What stories do you want to tell? What do you wonder? What do you wish for? Dance between questions while you build and inquire about the work you want to be mindful of. 

Now we are getting close, is this how you manage? Sort of. I feel like I know where I need support: I don’t understand what to do after I do the work! I want to be able to talk to publications and work with designers to share my work. I want to start the work of building networks with performance spaces and artistic directors. I need to build confidence to do these things. I am 20 years old, I have time. Don’t fall too deep in the sand of becoming. Allow yourself to explore first. I know that I am barely sprouting. I just started to feel like I found my style, my way into creating work that actually shows my perspective of life. Find the joy in that and carry it into your conversations about your work - - you know it best.