we havent spoken in months and i feel closer to you now than ever before

5:25 am September 27, 2020

We haven’t spoken in months and I feel closer to you now than ever before.

I filled most of the silence with noise and distractions, so your sneaking presence every now and then sends the iciest chills up my arms. It’s no surprise I can’t get you off of my mind. I called you my life partner, soul keeper and heart protector.. I still think we are life partners, just not for this lifetime. 

We haven’t touched in months, and I feel closer to you now than ever before. 

I haven’t been able to cry for over a week now, and I feel the need to sob. To weep. To gasp for air. I feel trapped in a storm of dust and missed opportunities. I feel like I should have tried harder to fight for you or with you, I’m not sure which one yet. Either way, I find myself feeling so.. lonely. I wonder if you do too. Surrounded by the most truthful love lights and still I get pinched by the “what if” you were with me too. I can’t help but drift into the clouds you wrapped around me. They were my safety blanket. Now they are translucent scent, almost gone. Your birthday is coming up and I feel myself collapsing again, another cycle of heartbreak and mourning. Oh, look, the tears are finally beginning to pour and the breath is beginning to go.. I feel a bit of shame for caring so much. A bit embarrassed by my falling into love that far surpasses the realm of ever being translated. It is strange to move without your corrections, feel free from running my next steps by you for reassurance. Free, sorta, for once and I could never lust more for structure.. or closure?? I lost my train of thought..

We haven’t danced in months, and I feel closer to you now than ever before. 

Anyway,, where was I? …Your birthday is coming up, it’s 5:35am, and I am crying with my present for you. I don’t know if you will ever receive it, and I struggle to keep it, kinda like our relationship. I guess I feel stuck with not being able to see your movement, it was always scared to me. I wish I let that be known more. To witness your movement was always breath taking, and I’ve felt nervous to dance lately, like you’re watching me like you always used to. It feels good to write this out, to calm the storm in my head. To feel less guilty about love and devotion. To feel more empowered about passion and loss. I hope you are working to heal your wounds as well, and tend to the new seeds that grow. 

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